The Good Friday Sacrifice

March 21, 2008 at 5:59 pm (Musings)

The police were at the door. They wore serious expressions and the moment I saw them I recognized what was happening. I can still remember the way my heart felt as it collapsed inside my chest, disintegrating into a crater of pain. A self-inflicted bullet wound to the head and my beloved Daddy was gone. It was Good Friday 1994 and even though the actual date was April 1st that year, Good Friday always triggers the sadness of that deep loss.

But I was one of the lucky ones. Though my father struggled with untreated bi-polar disorder (way before it was understood the way it is now) he loved us! Through the haze of his alternating mania and depression he loved his family and friends with a big, big love. He would have died for us. And in some ways (and in his own mind, I think) that is just what he did.

While growing up, Daddy told me so many times that I was beautiful that I actually bought into it at some level. Even as I gained weight and eschewed make-up and hair dye, in my mind’s eye I remain that beautiful girl. I am frequently stunned when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror. Hair with a will of its own, ordinary brown eyes, thin lips, slightly longish nose -what was the man thinking? But my heart believes that Daddy really thought I was beautiful. I like to think that his eyes saw the inside of me and approved, and that is what made me beautiful to him.   

Growing up with a  loving father made it easy for me to believe in a loving God. I can’t ever take for granted the deep faith that was sown into me, and continues to sustain me. The Bible says “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16) I believe that and so did my dad.

On the evening of Maundy Thursday 1994 I sat in the choir loft where I had a bird’s eye view of Mom and Dad in the “regular family pew.” As Daddy ate the bread and drank the cup, tears streamed down his face. It seemed odd at the time. When I look back and think about that night, I believe that maybe my daddy was talking to his daddy – Father God. I think he might have been praying “Forgive me for what I am about to do, but I’m ready to come home now. I’ll see you soon! I love you!”

I believe that my father’s deep baritone has joined the choir of angels in a heaven where there is no sadness – only joy. He sings to his Lord and he knows no pain. I look forward to joining him there someday. As I think about the Lord’s sacrifice on the cross and his gift of eternal life, my heart begins to swell (and it doesn’t go into a-fib!).

He is risen! Happy Easter!

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Engagement Pictures!

March 19, 2008 at 10:20 am (Uncategorized)

I check a bunch of blogs every day. I just read Lyryn’s blog and she has wonderful pictures of Brent and Tara’s engagement on it. She really captured the event (you can even see one of me hiding behing my newspaper). Just go down the left of this page and click on “Lyryn” under “Blogs I read”. Enjoy! There is a great picture of the ring too.

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Needles and “Pins and Needles”

March 16, 2008 at 8:59 pm (Updates)

We learned about a week ago that Attila’s transplanted kidney (Susie) is having some trouble. TMI alert! Stop reading now if you can’t handle too much information!

Okay, so there is too much protein in Attila’s urine. My brain flips the words and I end up telling people that there is too much urine in his protein! (That would mean that Attila is peeing on his hamburger, so that can’t be right.) Too much protein can be a sign of chronic rejection. Attila has not rejected a female since 1979! We were praying this was not the case with Susie.

I digress as usual. The point is that Attila needed to have a needle biopsy of the kidney, and they wanted to do it down at HUP in the transplant unit on Thursday morning. He had to be admitted the night before which meant that he had to miss Brent proposing to Tara at the Philadelphia International Airport. Attila is going to be Brent’s Best Man, so it was a huge disappointment for him to miss the kick-off event.

So it is now Wednesday night. A bed has become available at HUP and I have driven Attila down there, kissed him goodnight, kicked him to the curb at the hospital entrance  and raced back to the airport. I find baggage claim for Southwest Airlines and plant myself on a vinyl chair by the window. In my huge green beach bag I am carrying all the necessary supplies. I have chilled sparkling cider (it still has chunks of ice in it), plastic champagne glasses, newspaper to hide behind, my camera to capture the romance and Attila’s DVD recorder to film the happy event. I am set.

Brent arrives with Lyryn, Declan, Katie, nephew Jeremiah, and friends Chris and Amanda. He is proudly showing everyone the beautiful ring which was given to him by his generous Aunt Palma (Hugi). The ring was Attila and Hugi’s mother’s engagement ring. It is lovely and suits Tara perfectly. Brent and Tara are both very sentimental people.

So… Declan cuts a hole in my newspaper for me so that I can peer through and watch the proceedings without being seen. Okay, so a normal person would notice something like that. But if you are coming off a plane from Florida and you are tired and hungry and thrilled to see your boyfriend for the first time in a week, you aren’t looking for terrorists! I knew Tara would not notice me. Declan created a newspaper hide-out for himself as well.

Tara’s parents and several friends arrive from Allentown. Everyone is excited and poor Brent is nauseous from nerves. He wants this to be “magical” for Tara. I don’t blame him and feel slightly queasy myself. Hence, the “pins & needles” part of the title of this post.

Tara’s non-stop flight ends up stopping in Indiana and arriving at midnight rather than 10:15pm. Jeremiah and Lyryn have wheelchair races to entertain themselves. Brent insists we “assume our positions” and do a run-through. Katie and Amanda are staked out at one set of phone booths. Two other friends are staked out at another bank of phones. Jeremiah and Kristen are laying on a second baggage carousel. Chris stands guard at the opposite end of the carousel that will transport Tara’s luggage. Lyryn is wearing a hooded coat and has taken up perfect camera position opposite Declan and me. Yeah, this is pretty fun.

The plane finally arrives and we are all in a tizzy! I have a perfect view of Brent, Tara and Tara’s two roommates as they walk toward the baggage carousel. Tara is clueless. She is looking adoringly at Brent with those big blue eyes of hers and basking in his presence. Ditto for him.

They reach the baggage area and Chris takes his cue and places a pre-loaded backpack on the carousel. When it reaches Brent he picks it up, unzips it and whisks out flowers. He goes down on one knee and proceeds to ask Tara the big question. People block my view at this point so I get up and start walking toward the delirious couple.

Tara never saw a thing! She was completely absorbed in the moment. The crowd broke out in applause and all of us descended upon them. Tara’s second surprise was having so many loved ones there to celebrate the news.

I broke out the sparkling cider and someone put together the plastic champagne glasses for me. Tara kept exclaiming that it was surreal and she couldn’t believe it was happening even though she had known it would be happening soon. She was worried about her unwashed hair, but none of us could even tell. She was radiant and beautiful to everyone, but especially to Brent. What a wonderful night!

Thursday I went to pick up Attila and bring him home from HUP. He learned that his body is not rejecting Susie and Susie is not rejecting him. The problem has something to do with the original issue that harmed his first two kidneys. That sounds a little gloomy, but the doctor was upbeat and told Attila they caught the problem early and he believes it can be addressed with medication. We will know more in about two weeks when all the test results come back. I will update this blog when we have news. 

So… there is the story of needles and pins and needles. As my dad used to say, “Put that in your pipe and smoke it!”

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The weather and me

March 8, 2008 at 11:03 pm (Musings)

The weather has an unreasonable influence over my mood swings. It has been raining off and on for two days and is OH-SO gloomy. My spirits have descended with the precipitation.  I am such easy prey!

I have two antidotes for a bad mood. One is to bury myself in good vegetation material (“good” being a totally relative term). Examples include (1) watching “She Deceiveth Herself” on the Lifetime movie channel and (2) reading “Dave Barry Turns Fifty” in a comfy chair. The second - and much more productive antidote - is to accomplish some task that hopefully will not have to be completed again for some time (i.e. make a collage for a friend, get my Christmas letter written and mailed, organize my basement shelves, put photos into albums, etc.).

This morning was a dismal, drizzly display of disappointing dreariness. I didn’t even manage to get out of bed until 8:00am! Once I had my requisite coffee allotment I did manage to reach consciousness (against my better judgement). I read my Bible and two devotionals for the day. I planned the meals for the week and did my shopping list on my computer-saved-aisle-order master Wal-Mart shopping list. I washed the bed sheets and cleaned our bathroom. I called Dad to wish him a Happy Birthday! and talked to Mom for awhile as I forwarded emails that were either inspirational or hilarious. I sat in the living room and talked with Attila and soaked up the joy of owning a home. We do this more often than anyone might imagine! I got the mail and dealt with it envelope by envelope. I wrote the correct insurance information on a Quest Diagnostic Labs invoice and went through catalogs searching for potential Christmas gifts for my family. I replaced the batteries in the votive candles in the living room, and I read several people’s blogs (to keep up with the happenings of my homies). I called Lyryn to ask about her new babysitter (Attila can only do three days a week). I called Johnna and heard about her job at Genardi’s and her recent school success. I did my nails and made sure to allow enough time for drying my fashion diva polish (“Hard As Nails” clear). 

While sitting in the recliner flapping my hands like an otter, I noticed that blue sky had transformed the view out the window. What utter joy! Unfortunately it was short-lived and as I sit typing this the rain is pelting the pane again. Shucks. I think I will use another birthday gift certificate and take my husband out to dinner. Which brings us to a third antidote for a bad mood - steak and chocolate!

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God knew I needed an extra day this year

March 1, 2008 at 11:36 pm (Updates)

It is true. Apparently God knew that I would personally require an extra day this year. It felt like a present just for me! I opened it, coffee cup in hand, while sitting in my bright orange chair in the cozy ”devotions” corner of my home office. Then I remembered that my Daily Bible had no entry printed for February 29th, and one of my devotional books was missing the 29th as well. But I can always count on Joni Eareckson Tada. Her devotional had a just-in-case-you’re-reading-this-book-in-leap-year entry. Yea Joni!

I went to work at my “real” job, striving to catch up the backlog from my inconvenient incarceration in Paoli Hospital. Attila was doing some handyman work in Malvern so, on a whim, I called him at the end of the day and enticed him (I just may have mentioned red meat) to rendezvous for an unplanned date night. We met at the Outback Steakhouse where we were able to use a much appreciated birthday present gift certificate. We felt decadent. And that was before we ordered dessert to go!

I am pleased and relieved to inform you that my Christmas decorations have been packed away at last. Despite the snow on the ground and the chilly snap in the air, I decided to put out my Spring decorations. I am such a rebel.

I do love winter though. And I will like it even better when we get around to replacing the 108-year-old windows in our 108-year-old house. This time of year, when the wind kicks up, the windows double as air-conditioners and percussion instruments. It can be useful for the occasional hot flash, but it is not something you would want a steady diet of. I know. “Never end a sentence, a preposition with.” Like I said – I’m a rebel! 

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