I was a little overwhelmed by the reaction I received to my previous post. I apologize to those who felt deeply disturbed by what I shared. The writing style was a departure for me I suppose – so much more serious and intense than my typical light-hearted look at everyday life.
Although there is always humor, sometimes my everyday life is not especially light-hearted. On some days I want to curl up in fetal position and sing “Kumbaya” until the spiders are scrambling to escape the closet I am huddled in.
That is the truth. It is probably the truth for many people. I am just willing to talk about it openly and that makes some people very, very uncomfortable. What I intended to do was make you feel less alone. And I want to encourage you. In the midst of our pain, God is ever present, ever merciful, ever gracious, and most likely crying along with us.
Life is hard and we are living in hard times. Life for countless people is raw and true and, as my brother commented to me, ”Raw and true sucks.” Yes, it can suck, no doubt about it. But our experiences are the very stuff that grows us in faith and wisdom. I praise God for that! I want to grow to be more like Him and without challenges it would be impossible to so much as inch my way in that direction.
Some people expressed concern that I publicly exposed my children’s troubles. I know that if some were willing to share that with me, then a far greater number felt the same way but kept silent. But if you truly read this blog you will find that this is the first time I have ever shared something about my children that could be considered “negative” (and negative is a relative term). If you recall last year’s Christmas letter, I had each child write their own update so that they could choose what they wanted to share and what they wanted to keep private.
I expose my own weakness on a regular basis because I am comfortable doing that. I do not write about my children without their permission. Both Johnna and Ashley are aware that I blogged about their current situations. These recent events in their lives have unalterably changed our lives. And I believe we are all being changed for the better!
But if, for example, I caught my son (insert name here) parading around his bedroom wearing women’s lingerie while marching enthusiastically to the tune “76 Trombones” (from the Broadway show ”Music Man”) I would not share that in this blog. And just to be clear, it isn’t true (except for that one New Year’s Day in 1989 when the Mummer’s parade was on TV, and oh…that was Attila! Never mind… ) :-}
***Just so there is no confusion, THIS WAS A JOKE. THIS WAS NOT A TRUE STATEMENT. THIS WAS A MADE-UP EXAMPLE AND MY SAD ATTEMPT AT HUMOR.***
I have made a decision to delete my “Attila Update” email list and start over. After today, I will no longer send an email letting people know that I have updated my blog. This list began many years ago when Attila went through his initial kidney transplant and then had a heart attack, and then had the kidney removed, and then had quadruple bypass, etc. The list was meant to be a quick way to update our prayer warriors. Perhaps, in my own pride, it has become something else. I don’t want that to be the case.
So if you would like to receive an email when an update appears on this blog, please write me at kristinballa@hotmail.com and I will add you to a newly created “Balla Family Update” email list.
On Friday, Attila and I transferred Ashley from Brooke Glen Behavioral Hospital to Devereux – a residential treatment facility in Malvern. She will live there and attend the high school on campus for the next 3-10 months. I expect she will have a home pass for Christmas (and be able to attend Brent and Tara’s wedding) and will get home passes every weekend from then on. Home passes are based on behavior and if we can go by her experience at Brooke Glen she will be at the highest “level” in no time at all. She is doing so well and we truly enjoy spending time with her now. She is making great strides and we believe that the things that are happening will help her succeed in her future life. It is her desire to eventually become a Special Education teacher and she can do that if she puts her mind to it. She has the skittles! (for you older farts, that means “skills”). If you feel inclined to mail a note of encouragement to Ashley, feel free to email me and I will send you the address.
JOHNNA PASSED HER DRIVER’S TEST! We are so proud of her. There is a spirit of celebration in the Balla household. Johnna is working on getting a car. Brent owns an old one that she can get repaired with her own funds and then keep. All of us want to see her become as independent as possible, as soon as possible.
And on one final “oh how adorable” note, our grandson watched Attila put his insulin shot in his leg earlier this week. For the rest of that day Jayden tried to pull up the pant leg (Attila had to help) and then he would hug the leg! Okay, on the count of three…. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Missy Esh said,
December 7, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Congratulations Johnna on passing your drivers test!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now we will pray that you find a car and are safe as you now will be driving on the roads with the rest of us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We will be praying for all of you as you continue to allow God to guide and direct each one your family memebers. God has given us each a family for a reason. And one of the biggest reasons, in my opinion, is to teach us selflisness. Oh how we all struggle with our own selfish desires. Especially when they tend to interfer with ourselves and our own personal desires. God works in amazing ways. It’s so exciting to see all that God has planned for our individual lives and everyone our lives touch.
Take care. We love you all. And please put our family on your new list.
The Esh family
Hadassah said,
December 7, 2008 at 8:38 pm
aunt kristin, i want you to know that i thought your previous blog was raw and heartbreaking, but wonderful. i read it while i was in india, and i think how else should you write but in a manner of truth. thank you for the update… i wold love to keep receiving them…
i love you and miss you!!
hadassah
nancy anderson said,
December 7, 2008 at 11:10 pm
Kristin, Blessings to you and yours! Way to go Johnna! and I know Ashley is on a good path. Please include me on you update list. I look forward to my dose of humor and blessings. We will keep on praying.
Nancy
hannahday said,
December 7, 2008 at 11:55 pm
ditto to hadassahs comment… love you aunt kristin… i’ll call you soon with dates for our s weekend…
love hannah
hannahday said,
December 7, 2008 at 11:58 pm
ps- i wanna be on yur update list..
Ruth Witmer said,
December 8, 2008 at 3:41 am
I Love your honesty Kristin. Life isn’t always easy. But God is always in the circumstances. He will guide your steps and He loves you all so much. Sometimes people need to be apart to appreciate what they had been given.
Please keep me on your list.
Blessings,
Ruth
Marianne Irwin-Spangler said,
December 8, 2008 at 4:07 am
Kristin,
but I love to see God working in the midst of life’s trials (and by life I mean the unedited, sometimes uncomfortable, really crazy, exhilarating, nail biting, mind-blowing, satisfying, difficult, redeeming, scary reality that God has placed you on this earth to live)!
First – (((hugs)) To you and the family. Second, you know I wouldn’t want to miss any of your blogs! Keep me on the list and I look forward to reading many more of your family updates because not only do they make me feel normal
Love and Prayers,
Marianne
Jeremiah said,
December 8, 2008 at 5:20 am
Aunt Kris, if you ever stop being honest I would honestly have to stop liking you. You truly are one of the few people who’s company I can not only tolerate, but readily recieve and enjoy. I love you much more than I ever say. I’m trying to learn how to go the distance when it comes to communicating whats going on inside. rock on.
Tammy said,
December 8, 2008 at 6:29 am
Kristin, I was always taught “Honesty is the best policy” Was I thrown back of course. Looking at my own life and my families, stife and heartache as been there. You just needed to get it out and I understand that. Please keep me on your update list. I like hearing from you and if you ever need to talk give me a call. I have been there with my own son. He is getting better but it is a day to day process with every sucess sometimes you always have that tough day that drains you, so I am just putting it out there for you. Anyway I will talk to you later
Love you
Tammy
Kathi said,
December 8, 2008 at 12:53 pm
my precious sister, i am so sorry that you suffered backlash. it was probably a good time to weed anyway. and don’t you dare even consider being anyone other than you! your honesty was meant to bring greater clarity and compassion, not to expose your children. those who know you best, know that you care too deeply about your kids to have anything but loving motives.
i love you and appreciate being kept in the loop, so count me in…
Katie said,
December 8, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I want to be kept in the loop too!….although, I guess i’m sort of inevitably in that loop, aren’t I? I love your honesty and LOVE when you blog, so keep at it mother-in-law, I love you.
Becky Hook said,
December 8, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Hi, Kristin -
I love reading your blog and ask that you keep me on your list. My e-mail address has changed and I’m giving you my home e-mail here. You’re in our thoughts and prayers and you are so right. God’s faithfulness shines through the words that you are willing to honestly share. Thank you, thank you.
Love,
Becky
P.S. We love sitting in front of Attilla in church (and usually one or more of the kids). You guys are definitely a match that was designed in heaven! XXOO
Lyryn said,
December 8, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Mommy,
The negative comments you got were from people that obviously do not know you or your family. You are an amazing writer and such a inspiration to me! I love that you write TRUTH and write about the “Real” part of life. It just shows that you have courage and strength and aren’t afraid of what others think of you. Not many people can write such raw vulnerable things about their life, but you have shown me there is no reason to hide that. In fact, it is away to help others and show them that like isn’t always perfect and other people go through hard times too.
You have shown me what it really means to write and what a love for writing can do. I love how you show everyone your heart and that you only want people to be encouraged by what you say. Thank you for sharing your heart, and as on of your children, we LOVE your honesty! NEVER change that!
I love you always!
Lyryn
Scott Harding said,
December 10, 2008 at 12:31 am
I truly wish that I could write the way you do in all I have read of you and your wonderful family. I guess I should be happy if I can manage to spell all the words right. Don’t you dare take me off your update list as I would truly miss the laughter and tears I have shared with you and MY family in your writing. I told Mariah and Domenick about becoming an aunt and uncle. They were excited but a little confused as they have not yet met their older sister Johnna. I am hoping they will all get to meet one day.